Age Gap Realities
Hands are great story tellers. Truly beautiful in so many ways.
In an age gap relationship, the stark contrast of each hand holds so much beauty and reality. Our realities are those that people don’t realize and instead jump quickly to judgments…our realities are things that we don’t even notice in the long scheme of things, and are usually things people in non-age-gap relationships take for granted or find “weird”.
We have 25 years between us, and those we surround ourselves with have any range of gap between them in all relationships.
My close friend texted me and said “I’m grieving the loss of my wife. I no longer have a partner, I have an almost 72 year old toddler who thinks she’s an adult but can do whatever she wants but can’t remember anything.” 😭🫂 That statement is soul crushing and a big reality check for most of us here, especially those getting diagnoses that are devastating.
Our 25 year age gap is shocking to most, to us, it’s part of our love story. It’s part of the things I love about who we are as Monica and Michelle. Like the greying of her hair or the idealism in her soul or the way that she thinks, and how the contrast of those between the two of us blend into a beautiful piece of art. Our choice to love each other everyday goes to show how strong our relationship/love is.
Age is just a number until frailty happens. Caution: it could be the younger partner. There are no certainties in any relationship, just hope.
Our story isn’t uncommon these days…
25 years.
That’s how many years separate Michelle and I. She was 57 and I was 32 when we got married in June 2023.
To us, age is just a number. (To others, it’s appalling or inappropriate or unbelievable or gross—because not only are we in an age gap but we are lesbians, too—which seems to cause more havoc than heterosexual age gap relationships?!?)
That doesn’t mean it always was “just a number.” In fact, Michelle really struggled with our relationship in the beginning because of the age gap.
I mean, maybe also because I was her student in 2004, but that’s water under the bridge. And for those new here…we didn’t have any contact for 16 years before we became friends in 2020.
Ok, back to it.
We gathered some facts/fears/stories from some of our closest age gap friends and we’ve compiled a list of realities that affect us as couples, that most people don’t even think of. You see, just because we have an age gap, doesn’t make us any less human, or any less deserving of happiness.
Most of us have found a truly once-in-a-lifetime-love, and regardless of the future, we are so happy and proud to be who we are and love who we are with.
The realities
-Fragility of mind and body and no control over either and independence being threatened easily
-Being mistaken as mother and daughter or judged because others don’t understand
-Worrying about being alone as the younger one
-The fear of your partner not wanting you anymore
-Generational differences and beliefs
-The cycles start to sync
-Different ways of coping and communicating
-Family dynamics (instantly being a grandma or mom or aunt to people older or younger than you)
-Lack of understanding from family members and relationships breaking because of it
-Past friends & family not being willing to accept the relationship
Fragility of mind and body and no control over either and independence being threatended easily
This one hits us hard in the Foster house because I, Monica, almost 33 years old, have Psoriatic Arthritis which attacks my body and makes me immunocompromised and in a lot of pain. I wake up some days and we make the joke “looks like I’m older than you today, babe!” But it’s not a joke at all. As Michelle gets older, and I as well, our bodies become frail, our minds forget things, we break bones easily or fall or fail to remember simple things. It’s discouraging really, as Michelle says, “It threatens my independence” and that’s a VERY big thing as you get older and lose control of things you used to take for granted (like working body parts and sharp minds)and although the dream of “growing old together” is the “norm” and a very commonly used phrase, in an age gap relationship, it typically means the younger one is watching the older one become frail quicker, usually in the time of the younger one being ready to travel, go on adventures, be active and live a fast paced world…whereas the older partner is retiring/retired and ready to slow down.
Sometimes that’s a battle, sometimes it’s a blessing, it depends on how you look at it. The older, wiser partner recognizes the importance now of slowing down and can perhaps remind the younger partner how crucial it is to do so.
Ying and yang, if you will.
While one partner becomes more frail, the other partner takes care of them and the vulnerabilities, the closeness, the rawness becomes a new chapter of deeper love, of constant learning and finding the joys in the fraility of life.
Being mistaken as Mother and Daughter and judged because others don’t understand
This is a big one for us. Why we are so easily judged and why it’s even anyone’s business always mind boggles me. We are two souls who found each other, who choose each other every day, and who love each other unconditionally. We are two humans who support each other, encourage and lift each other up, and have differences that we overcome, just like everyone else.
The judgements we hear are:
•”Looks like she has mommy issues”
•”Why are you kissing your mom? Why are you kissing your daughter?”
•”Why don’t you see that you’re being groomed?”
•”You’re just after her money!”
•”Don’t you see how gross this is?”
•”Is that your grandma?”
•”I see a beautiful woman and a silly little child.”
The judgements used to hurt us (I mean some still do…) but we’ve gotten better at just laughing them off, deleting them, or saying “hi how are you?” to anyone who stares at us.
Jamie Lee Curtis actually privately messaged me and when I asked her how she deals with the hate for standing up for the LGBTQ+ community, her response was the best ever: “Live your life. Love your love. F the haters.”
I told The Daily Mail in an interview in 2022 “if you see me kissing her, why would you assume she is my mom?” Yet apparently our story still leaves jaws dropped across the world.
Our age gap doesn’t hurt us, it doesn’t bother us…so it shouldn’t bother anyone else.
Fear of being alone someday
Ok, so most of us have that fear anyways, but this is a big one for those in an age gap and it’s a very vulnerable, deep subject, so let’s jump into it.
The way life typically goes is when you’re old, you die. So when your partner is 25 years older than you and when they are 90 and you are 65, that reality of spending so many good years without them is soul crushing. We Three has a song that says “when we’re 90
Now sometimes age doesn’t have anything to do with accidents, unexpected death, diseases or cancers but you know what I mean.
I have psoriatic arthritis so the reality is we never know who will leave this earth first, me or Michelle…but regardless, that fear of being alone and without your favorite person is one that makes me sob every time.
It’s unfathomable, really.
But as most of those in our Framily group said…IT’S STILL WORTH IT.
The fear of your partner not wanting you anymore
So again, this is something most people fear, too, but I think as the older person in the relationship (Michelle) gets older, the fear of me not wanting her or finding her attractive is a real thing.
I try my best to reassure her when the topic arises that I will always deeply desire and love her and want her.
Funny story, we were in Florida with Michelle’s parents and she sat with her mom having coffee and then went to the shops with me. Her anxiety was high and she was unsteady. She said she had realized that eventually, when she is her moms age (85) it’ll be just like her and her mom sitting there and I won’t feel the same love and lust and need for her…I stopped her dead in her tracks and told her without a doubt I’ll always want her in ALL the ways…and I reminded her that her mom is an incredibly beautiful soul and being (and Michelle is her twin so…)
Ultimately it’s a choice, and I made a promise to choose her every day, no matter what, no matter what age.
Generational Differences and Beliefs
Michelle’s Gen X generation was taught to stuff emotions down and carry on, my Millennial generation is very emotional so sometimes the way we cope with different things clashes and sometimes it is beneficial because we can smooth each others’ rough edges.
We notice our age gap the most when it comes to these differences and beliefs.
We have different views on anything from finances, parenting, motherhood, working, running a business, to God and religion…but we also have a mutual respect for each other’s opinions and found common ground on ALL of those topics, too, and we work well together.
It’s humbling because we have both gone our whole lives living differently, believing different things and thinking in different ways. Being together, we’ve learned so much on how to be good, well rounded human beings!
The cycles start to sync!
Ok ok, so that’s the same with most females…but to put it in a way for you to understand why this is a crazy reality… one of us is in pre-menopause and one of us isn’t. Now that equals one of us coming in and out of menopause and never actually being done with our cycles while the other one misses cycles often because it’s trying to sync with the menopause. Ya feel me?
It was honestly funny in the beginning, and although we have to laugh about it now (because laughing is better than crying) it’s pretty sad when Michelle get’s her cycle after 8 months and was 4 months shy of actually being done with Auntie Flo… now the count starts all over again!
Oh the things we put up with as women! And women who love women think it’s still worth it, so hey!
Different ways of coping and communicating
When we get asked what our real life is versus what we portray online (we are very vulnerable online so it’s not much different, we just don’t share our fights!) we are also asked what the hardest parts of our age gap marriage is.
The answer to that is simple…we were both raised in different generations and learned different ways of coping and communicating. It’s up to us to align with each other to have a peaceful life.
After two years, we’ve learned so much about each other and are always learning how to communicate better. We have to unlearn old ways in order to love each other better, it’s always good to continue to grow and bloom, and it’s even better when it’s done together.
Family dynamics (instantly being a grandma or mom or aunt to people older or younger than you)
When we got together and then got married, our family grew and is so interesting! So many in our community and Framily have similar situations!
With a 25 year age gap, that means I have a step-daughter that’s 2 years older than me, and three step-daughters who are 10 years younger than me. My 6 and 7 year old kids have a step-sister that is older than their mom! I’m also a grandma now at age 32, with a granddaughter that’s older than my biological kids! Not to mention Michelle is mistaken for Zeke and Charlie’s grandma often because her step-kids are as old as her grandchildren.
We continue to confuse people and that’ll forever make me snicker when it happens in public. It’s just normal life for us, and so beyond weird for everyone else.
Our Framily talks about becoming instant grandmas and aunts to kids who are older than them and if you sit and listen to everyone’s family dynamic in an age-gap relationship you’ll be entertained for hours!
It’s a crazy cool reality, if you realize that DNA doesn’t make a family, love does…and you love fiercely no matter the age and how unconventional it is!
Lack of understanding from family members and relationships breaking because of it
This is a hard one already for so so many in the LGBT+ world, but when you add age-gap into it, it causes even more of a stir. That’s not to say everyone has an issue with it, but those that do usually walk away without looking back.
My mom is one month younger than my wife, and they’ve become pretty good friends! It’s been a blessing to watch. And all thanks to my wife, there are bridges being built with family members that I thought I’d lost forever. She can relate to their generation, she can take her teacher background and help others understand things they don’t understand so they have nothing to fear.
This story is a blessing here, and I’ve heard a LOT of stories where others don’t have those restored, rebuilt relationships and it’s crushing.
Until everyone can recognize that love is love, no matter the gender, age, race, etc…there will never be peace and there will continue to be lost relationships, fear and hurt.
Past friends & family not being willing to accept the relationship
This one makes me sad because when you’re so excited about the love you’ve found, and you want to share it with your friends and family, you would hope and expect that they’d be happy for you, too! So many haven’t experienced that reaction and it’s truly unfortunate.
I also have said “those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind” and that powerful statement is so true in any and all relationships. If family walks away, let them. If bridges are burned, wipe off the ashes and carry on.
If the people you surrounded yourself with can’t be supportive, if they can’t accept your love because it’s “changed” or “different”, then you won’t be able to change their minds. If they can’t accept your younger or older partner, sadly it’s their loss.
To all those who have lost family and friends, and by lost I mean they are still alive but you’ve lost them in your life, we hold onto hope for you. Hope that you can accept that loss, hope that if it’s meant to be you’ll have them again, and hope that you’ll find peace no matter what the outcome.
It’s a short trip, live it the best you can.🫱🏼🫲🏽
I’m sure the list will continue to grow but the point is this: age gap realities are real, some very painful BUT WORTH IT. Because the love most of us have found here is the most beautiful thing we’ve ever felt.
I hope this list makes everyone feel seen, heard and less alone! Representation truly matters…no matter your age gap, live your life outloud, love your love and enjoy the trip, whatever length you’re blessed with!!
Cheers to you all!
Love and light ✨
All photos included in this blog are credited to Morgan Raymond of MHR Photo and Jessica Max of I Am Jessica Max